Translation for Dummies

When did "problem" become a dirty word? (The P word?)

I think that no one is allowed to have a p****** any more. We have challenges. I thought a challenge was a rather brisk "Who goes there?" ringing out on the night air, or a glove slapped across the face and dropped on the floor, thereby prompting two Regency individuals to race out at sparrowfart and take potshots at each other, or it involved lots of people all playing Scrabble at the same time for the honour of being allowed to sit on top of the ladder. (I ask you.) I mean, say the word now. Go on. Challenge. It is positively begging to ring out on the night air isn't it, and is probably sick and tired of being wafted around offices, parliaments and ABC TV like a limp frisbee. Now try the word "problem" (sorry - whisper it if you must). It even ends with a sort of "hmmm", as in "Well, gosh, this is a bit of a conundrum", and sounds much more soft and nice and forgiving. It won't bite you, it just wants you to go up to it and spend some time solving it.

What's wrong with having a p******? Is it some sort of admission of gross incompetence or negligence? Have you noticed that if you accidentally say "half empty" instead of "half full" the room goes very quiet and you are made to feel that you have committed an act of Social or possibly Criminal Pessimism?

Did I get off the point there? Right, here are a few more strange little sayings I have come across, along with my translation.

Managing Director: We are very keen to develop forward awareness strategies.
Kathy: We won't be caught out with that one again, ho!

Scientist on TV: How impactive is this?
Kathy: D'you think it'll work?

Building site worker: Access process is key.
Kathy: How you get into the damn building in the first place (and is that a virtual key or a real one? I have my doubts)

Website: ... a comprehensive wellness clinic that empowers you to achieve health (I'm not kidding)
Kathy: We're here to make you better!!

Paramedic: ...in order to provide the service that will deliver outcomes.
Kathy: ...so we can do our job properly.

Politician: Let me make this very clear...
Kathy: Shorfulob ubitty domkebab bumf.

Tautology and other superfluities. 1,000 things to see/read/hear before you die. Before you die?? Like there's an alternative? Plan for the future. Oh, you mean "plan"? What else can you plan for but the future? Can you plan for the past (unless it's to forget the whole shebang quick smart, something I've become rather good at)? I guess you could plan for the present, as long as it's for me and it's gift-wrapped. Any sentence that ends with "for your convenience". Duh?

Look, does every sentence have to start with "Look..."? (You'll start noticing now, won't you? It'll drive you bats. Sorry.) "Listen" would surely make more sense, but even then...

I just want to stay aware (with or without a strategy, going forward) - that's all. I don't want to be like the little green frog that doesn't realise the water is getting a tad tropical.